Through My Brown Eyes

“Mom when will I turn white?”

‘”What do you mean honey, you’re black”

“But all of the people on the TV are white”

“Well you’re black and will always be black.”

            This conversation was had between my mother and I when I was about five years old.  I could not fathom why everyone on the television screen was white and I was black. I thought that as humans we started off black and gradually changed colors and eventually became white. I knew at the age of five that to be white was something to be desired, that something special came with the privilege of being white. At the age of five I had already realized that there was something wrong with being black and had started to develop self-esteem issues. My mom has told me many times about this conversation and how I wanted to white. She said I would only pick up the white Barbie dolls in the store and only associates with things that portrayed white America. Many people may say that it was my parents’ fault for not informing me about the history and cultures of my race, however I do not blame them. I believe that they felt that by being raised in an African American household and being African American myself I would absorb our culture by osmosis and therefore never took the time to teach me.

            I cannot say that I am not embarrassed for my beliefs and the things I said, but who isn’t when it comes to their childhood. However, this made me realize how salient race is in America. People cannot say that racism does not exist. The fact that a five year old girl believes that something is wrong with her because of the color of her skin is an issue that needs to be discussed. Children are growing up with an internal hatred of themselves and a desire to change themselves. The sad part is that no one has blatantly told these children that they are inferior. They have picked up these ideologies from the media and have internalized them. Being able to see people on television that look like you is a form of white privilege that affects minorities throughout their lifetime. They do not have the luxury of seeing people on the television that look like them, and when they do they are portrayed as ignorant, stereotypical, or the token minority. I remember when my little sister was younger she stated that no one likes the black Barbie because she is ugly and because she does not look like us. The media has shown children that if you are not white, or of some lighter complexion you are not pretty.

    A couple of weeks ago I was watching the Victoria Secret Fashion show and while watching it, I realized that I had only seen one African American model, and she was of a light complexion. I was shocked because I would hope that in 2011 we would have more people of color in the media, and of more pronounced color. I Googled a picture of her and found that in reality she is not that light. Society is perpetuating the belief that to be of lighter skin complexion, or in its most extreme forms to be white are the best way to be. As a friend once told me, if you are not white, you need to look and act as white as possible in order to succeed. There were also other minorities in the fashion show, most of them of Hispanic descent. However, looking at them on the television, one would not know this. I also had to research their ethnic backgrounds. I began to feel inferior once again while watching this. I thought, none of them look like me, and if that is the standard of beauty I must be the ugliest person in the world. I realized that I am still struggling with the issues of my internalized racism and oppression. While walking on the campus of the University of Michigan, I am definitely out of my comfort zone and deal with these issues daily. I along with many other minorities carry the burden of internalized racism and oppression with us like a coat that we cannot take off. The constant carrying of this burden imbeds itself in the minds, hearts, and souls of minorities and they begin to feel as if it is them against the world. They feel that they need to prove the world wrong.

            “Oh God, I am the only black person in my group. Will they talk to me or ignore me? Will they dismiss my ideas? Will I have to fight to get a word in edgewise and make my voice be heard?” These are all the questions that run through my head on a daily basis. Growing up in an African American suburb and going to predominantly black schools allowed me the comfort of knowing that I would never be judged by the color of my skin.  However, college is different. There has been many times where I have been the only black person in a room and have realized that I have to show these people what a real black person is like, because I may be the only black person they ever interact with. When I heard about stereotype threat this resonated with me because I realized that I constantly fall prey to it. I feel like I have my whole race on my back and that I have to prove to the world that we are not the degenerates that they made us out to be. We once discussed in lecture about how minorities do not have the luxury to be regarded as an individuals and how this is a form of white privilege. A friend and I were discussing this and we agreed that as a minority and as African Americans more specifically we carry the entire race on our back. We are fighting for people we do not know halfway across the country and for people who have not even been born yet. However, this has always been the way of our people. The civil rights leaders fought for me so that I could fight for the ones after me. Am I still struggling with my issues with internalized racism and oppression and my self-esteem issues, yes, however, everyday I become closer to realizing that it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not.


-Brandie Smith